When the past reappears - An emotionally abusive past relationship
I'd like to write about an issue that I've found myself having to deal with. I find that it easier to let it out in writing them just let it brew under the surface.
Before my current relationship (four years ago) I was with another lad.
I was young, I was naive and I guess you could say that I was vulnerable. It was actually a relationship that came out of the blue. A lad has asked me out, we worked together and I decided to go for it. He was cute, he was charming and he seemed to have his head screwed on. He was fiveish years older than me ( I was 18 at the time)
We got together and everything was fine, for a while. He started disappearing and reappearing with the strangest stories, money would appear from nowhere - with crazy stories about inheritance and investments etc. But because I was in love I believed him every time. I suppose you could say, I was a doormat. My parents and friends of course saw right through him. He lost his job due to drugs, but I believed him when he said that he was set up.
He used to make comments about ex girlfriends, comparing my looks to them - a lot of them were really pretty, I felt like I needed to change myself. I dyed my hair blonde (a colour I used to hate), I lost about 15 pounds in weight, I changed my image. Nothing was good enough. I became moody to my parents and friends (I kept breaking commitments to see him) and withdrawn into myself). My anxiety would be pushed to one side and I would be put in positions that I felt uncomfortable., for example he kept wanting to get married and have a baby right away. He would pester me quite a lot. Despite the fact that the relationship was messed up.
He used to blame the fact that he was heavily depressed. But the thing that hurt is that I was too. I just didn't realise how much. I didn't realise how much it had affected me. When we went on one break - my parents told me not to see him. I sat and cried at my local GPs. I didn't feel like me anymore. I was no longer happy, I didn't recognise myself. I was what he wanted. I was no longer Becky, the person that I wanted to be. It took me so long to recover, but when I read my diary back, I sounded like a girl obsessed I said that nothing would split us up. I sounded almost sudcial. In fact self harming was the next road I went down. I'm not going to go too much into that as thats extremely personal. My friends and family were a god send, and although we joke about it now, it was a horrible time. They were so protective and understanding, I wouldn't be alive without them today.
This relationship really messed me up (physically and emotionally) as you can see. But I still wanted to be with him, I didn't even twig that he was bad for me when he ditched my Birthday celebrations to go and actively cheat on me. Unfortunately it was another six months, December to be exact that I would find out how little he thought of me.
On the anniversary of my Grandmothers death, I found out from my work mates that he was in a relationship with another work mate - while I still was. In fact, instead of coming to my birthday, my family get togethers, just basic dates, he was seeing this other person.
I should point out that the other person is NOT to blame. My ex was doing a number on them and they genuinely believed that we weren't together. I broke down, in the middle of a training session and I drove home and ran (literally) straight into my mother's arms. I threw up everywhere - (sorry mum) and I couldn't stop crying. My heart had been ripped out.
When my ex text me to say ' I still want to be friends', I finally had found my courage to tell him where to go and shove it.
Lucky for me, when I least expected it - two weeks later to be exact, my partner Luke, the love of my life ,walked into my life and we have been inseparable ever since. I knew him through friends and we had hung out a few times at parties. He is kind, understanding, gentle, patient, loving,handsome, funny and my best friend. I'm grateful for everyday that we are together. I love our little life together.
Now fast forward to today - I see my ex twice. It's clear that he is now living near Luke and I. I'm in two minds about this. One is the girl that just wants to cry - as I write this I have tears in my eyes, and the other - the woman that looks back and is protective of that girl. The woman that knows that wasn't ok. I literally feel nothing as our eyes connect - no pain, no feelings - in fact I do feel a little anger, but that just from the cheek that he dared smile at me.
The past is a hard thing to have to come into contact with - especially when its so emotional and I was basically emotionally abuse for two years. But it's like I needed to go through something like that to realise how good I have it now. Life throw up random events and we just have to roll with the punches.
The point of this blog post, is not to call my ex out- trust me EVERYONE knows what he is like. But instead to give an honest account of my first proper relationship - unfortunately it was horrific. But if you recognise any of the above in your current life - in your relationship - in your friends, your childs - tell them to get out. Before its too late.
It hard to write posts like this, but as with the others - if it helps someone then its all worth it.
Thanks for reading - I might go have a cry and play with some Lego or something.
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