So as you will know if you read the blog regularly, I am upfront with my battles with Anxiety and depression.
I thought that I would write a piece about my week last week. I like to document my feelings on here because some of you have said that it helps you to identify with my words. Some lovely people say that it helps you not to feel alone....
So the last week, I really wasn't myself. I thought what I had was a bug / illness as I felt really run down and a little bit fluey.
I felt that I didn't want to do anything except lie under a blanket, I couldn't focus at work. I felt as though everything was getting on top of me. This is odd as my workload was getting a little lighter. University is currently under control and this blog was doing well.
I realised something was wrong when no matter how much sleep I had I was still really tired. I convinced my self it was because I wasn't resting....but after work thats all I was doing. My symptoms also seemed to only get worse at night and were none existent in the day (as thats when I am at my most 'manic')). I also quickly ruled out a lack of sugar and iron in my diet as that can also make me cranky as anything.
I also realised that the reason I didn't want to leave the flat was not down to a headache but down to the fact that I couldn't face the outside world. I was scared that I would be judged... although looking back at it... I have no idea what they could have actually judged me on.
I felt that every little joke that my teammates through my way, were little knives into me ( I obviously know that they didn't mean it in this way at all...). Normally I love being able to join in any banter.
I think that the straw that broke the camels back was the fact that Luke and I spent virtually no time together.... he is working extra hours so that we can get a deposit for a mortgage together. I think it bothered me more than normal because I knew that something was not right in my head and he was the person that I normally spoke to.
I knew that I needed to do something to pull myself together. I decided to give my body and my brain a break so for the whole weekend. I just watched tv, slept, played video games and spent time with my love.
It took a little while but I started to feel like myself again.
Today, I told Luke that I don't know how he puts up with me . I spoke to my Mum and she has noted that around this time of year I always seem to get down.
This is odd to me as I love autumn but maybe it is just a programmed thing.... the nights become longer and the light disappears quicker.
The main thing is that I am back to feeling as I should. Full of energy, happy and laughing at people's terrible jokes.
I think it is an important point to note that if you are reading this thinking that depression is all tears - it isn't. It is but a part of it. Sometimes its the fear of not wanting to be around anyone but not wanting to be alone. The feeling of wanting plans but not feeling like you can make them. Sometimes it is just pure anxiety.
It comes in many strains and it can strike at any time.
If you see someone, like me, who is suddenly quiet, or looks pale or panicky....just ask them how their day is or if you can help... listen to them. My two lifelines this week were my Mum and Luke....Helping someone to half the problem in their head can help more than you know.
Anyway that post got a little bit deep. But it carries an important message
If you are suffering at the moment, you can always drop me a private message on one of the below links or leave a comment below
You are not alone and you are beautiful
( Here are the latest additions to our flat, I thought that they may end the post on a positive note)
Snapchat : Beckydoodah