LIFESTYLE : Personal : 'It Gets Easier / You'll Get Over It In Time'
What I am about to write about, is a subject that is extremely personal and real.
Before I go any further - if you are looking for the end of the Beauty Brawl - I fully intend to finish this either Thursday or Friday
If you are here for Vlogmas - there will be more about that below and another video uploaded on Thursday
I just thought I'd get the public service announcements out of the way...
Basically guys, I am an open book on this blog, in fact I think it encourages me as a person to be honest in my day to day life.
Writing posts can feel like a cheap version of therapy...... Over the past year and a half... You've seen pictures of my partner, my cats, my family and some of my friends..... I feel as though, despite the fact that I enjoy it also, it is hard to be just as honest on Youtube.
This week has been extremely difficult so far.... because there is one person that it breaks my heart to talk or write about.
Someone that I lost 14 years ago today and if you weren't around in my life then, then you'll probably never hear me talk about them...
There was a person in my life that I saw everyday without fail from being a baby to the age of 11. They looked after me, fed me, taught me and kept me safe.
However, when they passed, sadly, I lost the ability to be able to talk to them and in some ways the ability to talk about my feelings.
I felt like my left arm was cut off and for the first time in my young life I felt lost and a little like I didn't belong. This post is not a dig at anyone in my life past or present, it's just how I felt.
Every year,without fail I dread the week containing the 13th of December, its as if an internal alarm is set to go off in my head and in my heart. I think one of the things that triggers me every year is that people assume that its helpful to tell you how to feel. You should be over it by now.... you should have learnt to cope. When you love someone unconditionally and they are gone without a warning.... you try and completely get over it.....
Not only that but due to a broken heart, I am also reminded of an ex who decided most cruelly to deliberately dump me on this day.....
I'm not dwelling on this guy again... the one post was enough and you can read about it on this really personal post here
I've taken a long hard look at my life over the past 48 hours.
I know that I will leave 2016 a very different person than when I entered it. For example, I have learnt to challenge myself this year and to be truer to myself.
One thing I have noticed however about myself, is that I get too hung up in other people's opinions and other peoples 'lives' on social media.
An example is - I personally have realised that Vlogmas does not work for me. I know this... with a full time job and trying to blog and publish a daily video... I was setting myself up for alot of stress. But I would have rather tried it than not. In the process, my videos are getting less views and I'm dropping in subscribers.
I took this really personally... the gaming channel on the other hand is doing well with views and is gaining subscribers. Its all swings and roundabouts... but for a good couple of days, I wanted to jack everything in.... including this channel.
One of my worst habits is that I spend literal hours scrolling through social media and I always end up feeling crap about myself. All my old school friends and random contacts seem to be having a much better time than me.... other bloggers are more succesful.... other you tubers are getting more views.
credit : Sad Ghost Club
I have to remind myself that they share their best bits.... not the day to day. If you team this sense of failure with the above pain... you get a little view into my mindset the past couple of days.
I knew I had to stop Vlogmas. I knew that the Beauty brawl had to be stopped for a bit.....
Instead I baked..... I got creative.......
Also in reflecting I realised that in losing this person. I became a gamer. On the same day 14 years ago.... I completed my first video game.... Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone on PS1 (the really disco one where the graphics were super dodgy)
if you are still reading I guess there are a few thoughts I've carried forward:
a) stop scrolling on social media - its not going to make me feel any better, its time to put the phone down and watch a film, play a game or go and cook. Or god forbid its time to spend more time with Luke!
b) continue Monthly goals through next year - having something to focus on is great and it pulled me through some dark times
c) People's opinions are just that - they aren't facts. They aren't gospel.... it's time to just be me for a bit and ignore.
d) I am going to dedicate at least and hour a night to gaming or reading.... my head needs some time off.
e) Youtube and Blogging need to be my passion again... therefore posts are not going to be to a schedule anymore....as and when I am inspired.
Thanks for reading this post - if you are still with me.
I like to write about things like this as I think Mental Health is not spoken about enough. It took alot of courage to write this....
Normal Traffic resumes tomorrow (I hope )