LIFESTYLE - Anxiety and Depressive Episode
So I hadn't planned to post today, but as you know, I like to write about experiences that I am currently going through.
I do this so that I can process everything in my head and share with you the reader..... just in case you too are going through it... we are not alone.
You can check out my previous posts on this subject matter in the blog - one of them is linked on the left hand sidebar!
I also filmed a Youtube Video in 2015 based on these - you can see it below:
I have tried to be open and honest about the fact that I suffer from both Depression and Anxiety and that I can have really good days and also really bad days.
When something is happening, sometimes I cannot tell the difference... but if I look back it becomes pretty obvious.
So basically last night, I had two panic attacks, one while awake and the other whilst I was asleep. I also think that because I knew that the attack was happening, that this triggered a depressive episode as well.
Prior to this, I had a few slight words with Luke, to be honest it was definitely not an argument, not even cross words.
He went to bed and so did I.
I noticed that the more I read into what was said, the more I was struggling to breathe.
I kinda put this down to the fact that I am currently sick (I have a really blocked nose (gross overshare but...), so I ignored it for a bit.
Then the tears came... I'm quite sensitive deep down. I was upset so had a little cry, but I started shaking and my chest was really tight.
Before I knew what was happening I was in the bathroom, crying into a towel (a make shift paper bag) trying to calm myself.
I did the old grounding trick (spot five objects around you) and tried to control my breathing.
I had alot of depressive thoughts going round my head, really dark ones..... that I'm not going to write here. I think these thoughts were fuelling the panic attack.
It took a good 45 mins (I was using my phone as a coping mechanism and also just in case) and I managed to calm myself down somewhat.
I climbed into bed and I put random Team Four Star Dragon ball Z Videos on and tried to sleep.
I thought I woke up, but erm no. I had one of the worst dreams of my life that I perceived to be real.
I got out of bed,... there was a knock at the door. A random woman attacked me, grabbed my cat Diego and ran off.
In the dream, I couldn't catch my breath, I was crying.
Luke woke me up, I was murmuring about the cat. Telling him to check Diego was ok and to get the woman to leave. These dream is probably laced with symbolism... a home invasion, a woman dressed in black, stealing my pet that I love.....
I still thought it was going on when I woke. I have never felt so disorientated and also dehydrated.
I made myself come to work , I threw my glasses on, I;ve drank so much water.... I've also drank so many flavoured teas.... Rose Lemonade is winning at the moment.
I , then decided to write this post.....
If you suffer too, then you know how scary this can be. My problem is that I find myself troubled by the past and I think that my brain that is normally fairly quick, went into overdrive. I am really tired today as well :/
Everything is ok and I am on the mend. Dehydrated and confused more than anything.
I'm not really sure how to end this blog post, its never going to be something that will stop... but rather get better over time.
Remember if you are suffering, try and speak to someone, even though its hard.
You'll feel better, oh and get some Rose Lemonade tea.... its the best
Thanks for reading