Dear Diego - 31st March 2019

Hi Everyone

A prewarning - this post is going to be open, emotional and raw. 

I thought that because I have a few emotions left that I need to deal with - instead of writing a journal entry, that I wanted to write directly to Diego. 

I have so much left to say. 

I debated keeping this private - but I think that in talking about grief, it seems to get more manageable. I know that Diego was a cat, but to me he was a child - as I have none.  I think pet grief is the hardest thing that I have ever been through because I find it easier to talk to a pet then a human. 

I will write more when I feel like I have something I need to say 

Once again, thank you to all of you that have reached out to me and offered support. 

I honestly love you 

x


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Please do not be worried about the below it is all for the process of healing

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Dear Diego,

It's been ten days since I last stroked you and held you. 

These past days have been really difficult, the thought that I would never see you again, pet you or even talk to you has really hit home. 

Your Father and I have been through all the emotions you can imagine. 

I'm trying to forget the last time I saw you and we bought your broken body home. 

We drove in silence to the vets, knowing that you were in the back seat. Your Dad was asking if he wanted me to put music on and I couldn't imagine anything worse. I knew that you hated the car and hated our music, you would howl til we turned it off. 

When I took you to the vets for the final time, I wrapped you in my favourite cardigan, I wanted you to be safe and warm one last time. I wanted you to smell Boots and us and know that you were loved. 

When the vet took you and told me you hadn't suffered, I burst out crying. I saw a robin by the door and I knew you were there, telling me that you were at peace. The lovely vet asked me about your body, they used words like urn and casket and I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. 

It was only four years since I bought you there as a kitten and now you were gone. My little boy, my little fluff ball. 

I asked for you to be cremated as you were so broken I was scared what would happen if we tried to bury you. Your Beautiful eye was gone, one of my favourite things about you.... We said that we would do what was right by you but at that time I had no idea what that was. 

I thought that if I buried you, I would one day have to leave you behind and that cut like a knife. 


We had to get Bowie fixed so we took him to the garage and walked around town for six hours.  I couldn't eat,  we made plans and we decided that you needed to come back home. We asked for clippings of your beautiful fur. 

That weekend went so slow and the bad news kept on coming, but you know what I'm talking about because I know you are here with us. 

 But I cannot wait until you are physically home with us next week. At the moment I talk to you in the spare bedroom, hoping you can hear me. But I have a suspicion that you are hanging out with your chicken in the living room. 

I'm reminded of you every time I open a bottle, see a mushroom or sit under a blanket. 

I just wish I had one last time with you, just to say goodbye, one last cuddle... I would give everything for you to come back to us and sometimes I find myself glancing out the door. Thinking you are there. 

I went through all the stages of grief, I was in shock for a couple of days, I was in denial for a bit. I had to get the vet to check your chip because I had convinced myself it was a horrible coincidence and that we found another cat. 

But sadly, it was you. 

I have accepted you are gone, but it hurts so fucking much.  I feel like I failed you. I was so tired that night, you had already been out and come back in... but because I left the door open, you went out... one last time. 

I shouldn't have gone to bed til you were home. I should have shouted out the front door and looked for you. I was so tired. So wrecked from the other bad thing that happened. 

I hope you know how much I love you. How much I look forward to seeing you on the rainbow bridge. 

But for now, I need to look after Boots. He is ok, but he misses you Diego. 

He howls and struggles to get through the night without waking me, I know you comfort him. I see him staring out into space as if he sees you, he sniffs around for you. 

Your Dad misses you and sometimes, I struggle to comfort him, he's been rather depressed too. But we are lucky to have each other, we are each other's rocks. We both understand the importance of needing to have a little cry and to laugh at some of your memories. 

I think I just struggle with the idea that your story is over and that you will just become another memory that is occasionally mentioned. That is why I started to write and to tell your story. I hope one day that your story will bring comfort to others, I have already heard that people like your pictures. I just want to do you justice so I am trying to become better with drawing! 

I hate that you will never see the house completed.  I know that you felt safe here and I had never seen you so relaxed... I saw you becoming brave... perhaps a little too much. 

I think that you would have loved the idea of the fireplace and the new sofa in the living room. 

You are that voice on my shoulder when I'm sorting out our money and bills. We finally paid that one... you know the one and it was an amazing feeling. We are straight with everything now, you would have been so proud. 

I've found the perfect space for you to rest when you come back, so hopefully you feel safe and warm again. 

But there is one more thing that I need to say... please don't worry about me.  

I've been a little ill and I think its because I am run down. I'm trying to come to terms with your loss. I just feel like I'm trapped in a bubble, people talk about the future and I get excited... but then I feel guilty because the future takes me further away from you. 

I think about you constantly, especially at work. 

I love you and I will write you to you again soon. 

Sleep for now my tiny prince 

xx

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 Twitter : @BeckyRussell

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Twitter : @diegothewonder


Instagram :@Diegothewondercat













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