World Mental Health Day 2019

Hello Everyone, 

I had something else planned for the next post, but I felt as though that I didn't want to let today pass without saying something. 

As you may or may not know, Mental Health is something that is close to my heart. 

Since I was a teenager, I have been through some dark times...some of which I thought I wasn't going to make it out alive. 

And I don't write that sentence lightly. 


--

I remember days in which I thought that everyone around me would be better if I didn't wake up. 

Or if I just ran away and never came back.  I even planned it. 

When I was younger I suffered a massive loss, in the form of a death in the family and I honestly felt as though it was all downhill from there. I shut down emotionally and physically. 

I started comfort eating, shutting myself away, I stopped interacting with friends. 

I would write really depressive thoughts in my journal and I would engage in bad habits that were, to be blunt, damaging my body. 

When I got to 16, I started binge drinking with friends, smoking and living in my imagination. 

I didn't know who I was anymore. 


--

It was only when I hit my 20s that I started to form an identity and I got help. 

But by that time, I was so used to belittling myself, having no self worth and hating what I saw in the mirror. 

The doctor told me that I was worth something and I just cried all over him.

 I did the counciling through my work, I took the pills and I started to get my grip back on reality. 

He saved my life 

--

It's hard to write this post, because I still suffer from some of the above. 

People compliment me, I have no idea how to take it. After years of bullying, I still sometimes believe that they are mocking me.

I work on my mental health everyday. 

I find that talking is the best therapy... even though I do worry about judgement and being a burden. I write a journal and I try to keep my head free as I can. 

When I first cried on my doctor... when I took that first scary step, when living at the old flat... he told me that my brain was a supercomputer and well for years, my head had been downloading files.... so quickly my hard drive was fried. 

Over the past couple of years, I have been working on every single window, to hit that X in the corner. Some have been easier and some have been brutal... 

--

After Diego died.... my computer got busy again.... the files came in thick and fast. 

Do you know, that I even stopped myself from watching Childrens films because they made me feel things that I wanted to keep buried? Yep. It was that bad. 

--

 I felt inadequate, like I should have stopped the car.

 Protected the animal that devoted his life to me.

 But I couldn't. I was more than likely sleeping when it happened. 

I was the one to find him and bring him home with Luke. To take him to the vet and to bring him home. 

 It bought back the memories of my Dad telling me my Grandmother had passed all over again. 

Him waiting for me to react and me just shutting down.

 But this time my body buckled and I weeped on the side of the road. I screamed with sadness when Boots didn't come home.

I pulled the family back together but my head was fried. 

I still cannot truly process what happened and my heart breaks every time Boots wants to go outside. 

I'm scared I'll never love Teddy as much as I should do... but one look at those golden eyes and I'm hooked. 

--

But the point in all this is to say.... I found that talking and taking the time to pause has helped me get my life back on track. 

The setting of goals helps me focus... even though I never film them like I want to or write a follow up post. 

I feel as though my grief, sadness and anxiety gets in the way of writing... I haven't touched the blog, channels or Diego the wonder cat in so long. 

But I want to change that with baby steps. 

--

I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and dedicate myself to some of the blogger events that I am often invited to...

I want to get Diego's project off the ground 

To get the channels going again. 

To keep writing. 

To reinvent my fashion sense 

To get my body back in shape

To Decorate my house. 

To feel like someone important 

--

But I wouldn't be able to do any of the above without my doctor, my friends and most importantly my Fiancee Luke. 

Who else would sit up all night with me when I was weeping over Diego... when I have night terrors or worry about everything? 

--

If my story hits home with you... and you don' know what to do... book that appointment, start that painful conversation. 

You'll be glad you did. 

One day, I'll have a child and I'll tell them of Diego the wonder cat and about my Granny Mary. 

If I wasn't here their stories wouldn't go on....

--

It's ok not to be ok. 


I'm going to stop here as I feel as though I have gone deep enough. 

Thank you for reading 

And guess what 


You are worth something 


Becky x 


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Comments

Anonymous said…
You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Xx
Anonymous said…
I've read you last three blogs and none display any real understanding of mental health issues. You mention "tablets" but no therapy or Physiatric support. One isn't offered without the other. You seem sel obsessed and wallowing in self pity. I gather you are trying to get attention and sympathy but be honest with yourself and get real bona-fide medical support. There are people with real issues out there and not sad divas who just write drival for attention. Get a life.
Becky Russell said…
Dear ‘anon’

It seems as though it’s not I that is trying to get attention.

If you truly had read my last three posts then yes of course there is no mention of mental health as they are goal posts 🙄

I only write about mental health when it is appropriate and I feel strong enough.

If you had truly read the post, it does mention extensive therapy - I even mention it doing through my work. People like you are why people suffer in silence. Btw it’s spelt psychiatric. That self pity- is a combo of deep depression, PTSD and anxiety. I actually used the work Pills and not tablet.. so again you've not read it properly.

I’ve suffered since I was 14 so yes I do know a little something about the subject.

As for being a diva... well I’ve never been called that before but I’ll take it as a compliment 💃🏼

It’s so easy to lash out as an anon. If you are someone in my life. Disappointment doesn’t cover it. If you are just a troll then sorry your words have only given me strength as I know you haven’t read the post.

But as always Anon. Thanks for reading

Becky

X
jenikya said…
Cats are amazing. I am sorry about your kitty. This is why I do not let my two cats go outside. I had a bad experience with my kitten when I was 6-years-old...and often outside cats disappear. I think everyone goes through really bad spells in their life. But you are amazing and stay away from the negative people.
Jenn
http://www.jenikya.com/blog
Anonymous said…
Your blogs talk about your mental health and the grief you have suffered. You should channel these feelings back and actively support those that need help. I've seen your gaming channel and guess you can't live in the real world. Why don't you get out and live life properly? Games are just fantasy. The sheer energy you put into these fantasy games could really benefit others. You would be fitter physically getting out as no offence sitting on a sofa and an office all week isn't healthy and your videos are not flattering. However if you are comfortable the way you are that's really OK if that's how you really want to be. I like your sense of English humour. If you want to join our organisation of Feeders US then we would be proud to have you as we love your curves. However more is better and we can help you as you are definately a lady with many curves. J J Malone

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